Over the years, I’ve spent a lot of time reading stuff in what would be considered the manosphere or red pill culture.
I wish I could remember how I got started with this material, but it has been a few years and I’ve seen so much of it.
It was eye opening and informative, and now I feel like some of my opinions are starting to crystallize on some of what I’ve seen, heard and read.
I was married when I found this world, so some information was too little too late, but there was still much that was useful.
At the same time, I’m finding a lot of it to be less than helpful, especially for men that are married with families.
Now, I’m not a manosphere hater. Far from it in fact. It just hit me yesterday when I was watching a video that some of the stuff out there is not particularly useful for men who are married with families.
Respect for masculinity
Somewhere along the way, the nonsense idea of “toxic masculinity” entered our lexicon.
The APA has outed itself as an ideological front group, rather than an actual professional organization concerned with actually helping people.
What used to be respected and considered a necessary part of a functioning society began to be disparaged.
Anyway, it’s absolutely ridiculous, and there is no such thing as toxic masculinity.
The manosphere has done a great job of elevating masculinity back to the status of a virtue.
Young men have a place to go where the traits that make them men are celebrated.
And married men need to understand that their masculinity will set the tone for their household, and the lack thereof may be causing many of the problems they are having.
Respect for Gender Differences
Even when the advice gets a little dicey, there is a clear distinction between women and men.
The genders are not the same.
Men have strengths and weaknesses and women have strength and weaknesses.
When women become like men, things go wrong.
When men act like women, the same happens.
For better or for worse, all parts of the manosphere recognize these differences.
Anyone who is or has been married knows this to be the case.
Realistic Look at the Behavior of Women
This is probably the most controversial aspect of this world, but arguably the most useful.
Rollo Tomassi and his books are probably one of the greatest contributions to this area.
This was the biggest eye opener for me, maybe ever. Reading and learning some of this shined a bright light on my life experience and caused things that happened in my past (especially mistakes I made) to make sense.
It’s hard to deny that women say one thing, but their behavior often tells a different story… Particularly regarding who they are attracted to.
There’s nothing better for a “nice guy” who doesn’t understand why he never gets anywhere with women, than to read these books.
These books can also help married men understand a great deal of what’s going on (or going wrong in their relationship).
A Focus on Self-Improvement
There is a huge focus on fitness in this community. And that’s a good thing.
Even if the reason for getting in shape is solely to be more attractive to women, at least people are getting healthy.
Of course, this goes beyond just getting in shape.
Self-improvement has many dimensions and also involves things like style, mindset and personal responsibility.
In the best corners of the manosphere (IMO), there is a strong focus on taking responsibility for yourself and your outcomes.
This is the tradition I am following in with the focus on sovereignty.
Of course, there are also things I’ve seen that haven’t been nearly as useful.
Separating the wheat from the chaff is important in anything that you look at, and this is no different.
An Overemphasis on “Notch Count”
A lot of men have been hurt by women, and some of those men found their way into the PUA community.
Then they took this hurt and channeled it into having sex with as many women as possible as a form of revenge.
There are a couple of problems with this, as I see it:
- Some men carry this to the point of seeing women as nothing but walking vaginas. In most (all?) cases, this is an overcorrection to the insult they received somewhere along the way.
- In my opinion, having tons of sexual partners over the course of one’s life is ultimately harmful for men (and especially women). I found a great blog post regarding this (read it), and Elliott Hulse had some interesting words on it in this 21 Studios interview (watch it). He basically said that being obsessed with sex and being emotional about needing it is a feminine trait.
Regardless, having sex with lots of people (whatever that means to you) impacts individuals on a number of different levels from emotionally to psychologically (maybe even on a spiritual and psychic level also).
A De-emphasis on Marriage and Family
Let’s get a couple of things out of the way first…
Yes, it is questionable whether it’s worth it for men to get married in today’s culture.
The court system is severely stacked against them if something goes wrong.
Finding a feminine woman who wants to be a wife and mother is more of a challenge, especially in cities and larger areas.
Society devalues the very roles that make up a traditional family and provide stability for the culture; the masculine father and the feminine mother (that stays home and raises her children).
There are emasculated men in pathetic marriages that make it look like a terrible situation to be in.
It’s a scary world out there, and this makes many men cower in fear from getting married and having a family (even if that’s what they want).
They mask this behind an “alpha male” front, and do what we talked about in the point above.
And again, if they’ve taken in enough TRP/MGTOW/ETC material to see women as less than human, they believe that no woman is worth marrying (and many probably aren’t).
I think even the leaders of some of these movements have gotten so deep in this concept that even if they want to have a family, they’re confused about how to do it.
But this is also where sovereignty comes in. Take responsibility for your own life, don’t bow down to societal pressures, and don’t bother with women.
There are absolutely women that you should not marry, you have to make your choice carefully, and understand what you’re getting into.
There is an asinine trend these days to assume that one has to demonstrate 100% ideological purity or everything they say or believe is wrong.
This is stupid. We don’t all agree on absolutely everything, but there are still people out there with valid opinions on certain issues.
With everything you study or read, learn how to sort it out for yourself.
I’m going to share some resources below, and some of them will have questionable, even offensive content on them.
But there’s also gold there as well.
Just because I share it doesn’t mean that I agree with everything, but I’m not throwing out the baby with the bathwater here.
Think for yourself.
I’m a Christian, and some will have decidedly un-Christian content, but it doesn’t make some of the observations any less valid.
But we can’t hide from these things.
These guys are all way bigger than me, so you’ve probably heard of them long before you found your way to this blog, but in case you haven’t here are some sites/people/blogs that have very worthwhile information, in one form or another.
This is certainly not an exhaustive list, but this is more than enough to get you started and keep you reading for quite a long time!
These are men that refuse to back down from the shrieking beta/feminist masses that are attempting to eliminate masculinity.
So this was titled Married Men and The Red Pill/Manosphere, so let’s bring it back to married guys.
I think this is an important distinction because if you were to find yourself in a low-sex marriage, some of these resources could cause you to think that your best move is to cut ties with everyone and everything and become a PUA and just have sex with 20 year old’s for the rest of your life.
Maybe I’m “beta”, but I don’t think this is the answer.
To my mind, the best aspect of the manosphere is the focus on masculinity.
I think we instinctively know what masculinity is and what is just a facsimile.
So take the good stuff from the resources above and increase the level of your masculinity at any level you know needs improvement.
Fix your body, fix your mindset, take responsibility.
Reclaim your sovereignty.
That may just be exactly what you need to improve your marriage and family relationships.
So now it’s your turn.
What’s your take on the manosphere/red pill world?
What did I get right or wrong?
Do you read any of the resources above? Have others to recommend?
Let me know in the comments.